8.9.0

I remember when Milo was an infant.  He was still very little, but he was finally big enough that we could comfortably nurse laying down in bed.  We had so many sleep issues.  Normal babies sleep 16-18 hours a day.  Milo slept 8-9 and never for more than a couple of hours at a time.  We had had him home with us for a few months and our life began to settle down.  Curtis and I worked out a solution that worked really well for us.  I was responsible for Milo until 6AM.  So if Milo slept, I could sleep too, but if he was awake or upset, it was my responsibility to be up with him.  I was usually up with him.  I never took Milo into bed with me at night because Curtis was sleeping.  And like me, Curtis got very little sleep.  He needed those uninterrupted hours at least as much as I did.  After 6AM, Curtis was on duty until he went into work and I got to have some uninterrupted hours.  When it was time for him to go to work, Curtis would put Milo in bed with me, where he would nurse and sleep and I would mostly sleep.  I never slept deeply, but it was so nice and sweet that I loved our little half snoozes.  We’d usually stay in bed until noon or a little after.

I remember thinking that I could never like an older baby the way I loved Milo as an infant.  Whenever I saw older babies in public or at friends’ homes, I always thought they looked germy and clumsy and quick tempered.  They looked like they’d be so much work.  My tiny infant was a lot of work, but it was only work because he required me to be awake so many hours.  But those awake hours were usually spent in the rocker, nursing and nursing and nursing.  I never had to chase him or discipline him or tell him not to squish the kitty’s face.  Those few times when he wouldn’t stop crying and I felt like exploding were quickly circumvented when I remembered that we could leave the house.  We’d go to the grocery store or just sit outside under the tree, and he would be calm again.

Milo is an older baby now, of course.  We don’t nurse anymore, and we certainly don’t sleep together ever.  I don’t know where some parents go to get babies that lay still next to them in bed, but I definitely didn’t get one of those.  Milo moves and moves and moves.  His favorite part of the bed is the very edge, and if we weren’t there to stop him, I’m absolutely certain he’d flop right off, just to see what would happen.

I miss the tiny infant moments.  I frequently catch myself thinking about having another baby so I could feel that peace again – nursing and loving and dozing all day long made me feel so content.  I’m not a content person by nature.  It felt really, really good.  But at the same time, there’s so much about my germy, clumsy, and highly tempermental kiddo that I marvel at.  When he hugs me back, I feel warmth that starts in my heart and spreads to every edge of my body.  When I saw him take his first steps, my pride almost equaled his. 

Having a toddler is a much different experience than having a small baby.  He’d think we were playing a game every time I said “No.”  So he’d grab at something, I’d say “No!” and he’d stop, look at me, smile, and grab again.  “No!”  And he’d stop, look at me, smile, and grab again.  “Milo, I said No!”  And we’d keep going.  Finally I got it.  The name of the game with a toddler, or at least mine, is distraction, distraction, distraction.  Preferably with something a little less dangerous than what he was exploring before.